Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
