Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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