i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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