Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude i'm inner monologue high
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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