I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
