My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
