Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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