You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
