worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
