i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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