I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
How naked do you want me to be?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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