buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
