I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
