id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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