Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
