We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
