The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
