remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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