I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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