I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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