Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
