I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
