I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
