I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
