Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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