We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
