I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
