There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
