i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
