just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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