I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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