Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
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