This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
