508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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