You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize