All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
