She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
