I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
