I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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