I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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