don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
