I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
