Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
not ubering you a puppy
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
