hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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