You just made me feel so damn special
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
