my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize