so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
try to milk me bitch
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
