Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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