there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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