need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
