I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
