That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
