pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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