My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
