oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
3pm strippers are depressing
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
