It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
