Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
