apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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