Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my shit smells like andre
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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