He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
