Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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