Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
